Looking back on this year, I was unable to find a post related to goals or resolutions for 2016.  I figured that my main goal was to finish my thesis and pass my Viva, and anything else in addition would be great.  I finished my thesis and passed my Viva, so I consider that a win.

Goals for 2017

  1. Find a job. This is pretty much the first and most immediate goal apart from my thesis corrections.  It’s rather intimidating as I’m not entirely confident in the search so far.  I have always struggled when job searching, to the point where I’d send out 300-500 resumes in a summer and not hear anything back from anyone.  I hope that it’s not like that this time around.
  2. Journal every day.  Last Christmas, Steph got me a daily journal where you record your thoughts every day and it records them for 5 years.  It’s like a paper Timehop.  Theres’s only a few lines for each day in each year, however.  This year I’d like to spend a little more time writing about my day, what’s gone on, and how I’m feeling.
  3. Run a sub 30 minute 5K.  You’d think that for someone who has been running for as long as I have, that this would have been crossed off my list by now.  But it hasn’t.  I struggle with running faster as I am afraid I will make myself sick (I’m a paranoid emetophobe, what I can I tell you?).  My current fastest time is 31:57 and that was on the treadmill. Even if it takes me until the 31 December 2017 to get to 29:59, I’ll be happy.
  4. Run another half-marathon (and not get injured). I’ve run 2 half-marathons so far and I’d like to run another.  I ended up pulling my leg/knee about halfway through my last half, so I’d like to train and run another without any issues or incident. The key to that is. . .
  5. Stretch and strength train more consistently.  I know why I struggled towards the end of my half training last year, and that was my lack of consistency.  Granted, part of that was due to the fact I was trying to finish my thesis, but spending 10-20 minutes stretching isn’t exactly a hardship.
  6. Lose the last 30 or so pounds I need to.  If nothing else this year has shown that I need to make my health a priority and getting to a healthy weight is important.

    Any goals or resolutions you’d like to share?  Leave ’em in the comments!  Happy New Year!

Two weeks ago I had a chance to attend a book signing/talk that should have inspired me to be a better me.  Instead I left needing time to reflect.  And now, after a few days I feel lower than usual.   I feel at nearly 40, I’m an absolute failure.

 

When I was 16 and working at Filene’s Basement, I worked with a few women who were in their early 20’s and I thought they were so glamorous and lived such exciting lives.  I couldn’t wait to be 21.

When I was 21 I was still an undergrad.  I was still trying to figure out my life.  I certainly wasn’t going out to clubs and bars and having a good time.  I was completely screwed up emotionally.

I wanted more; I wanted stability and love and marriage.  I figured by the time I was 25 I’d have it all wrapped up.

When I was 25 I was dating (someone I now refer to as) “the one who got away.”  I thought he was the one.  I thought we were going to be together.  We had been living together (until he asked me to move out) and I hoped we could reconcile and make it work out.  I wanted to be engaged and married and start a family; we already had 2 cats together.  I figured by the time I was 30, I would have it all figured out.  I’d have a a husband and a career and kids.  I’d have amazing mom friends and a perfect house.

By the time I was 30, I was an absolute mess.  I had ended the relationship with the one who got away and dated and got engaged to someone else.  I spent 4 years trying to fix him, to make him the man I thought he could be.  I was an idiot.  You can’t fix hate that’s been learned (at least I couldn’t do it).

I had gained back all the weight I worked hard to lose.  I was fat (again) and hated myself (still).

I was single, living in my childhood bedroom in my parents house with my cat.  I was single, miserable, and on the verge of bankruptcy.  I didn’t have many friends.  And despite having earned my first Masters degree the year before, I had a crummy job and could hardly support myself.  I figured by the time I was 35, I would have to have it figured out.

By the time I was 35, my life had taken a major turn.  I moved to Scotland to pursue my second Masters degree since I still had been unable to find a full time teaching job.  It was an amazing decision and I don’t regret it, but I was lonely.  I didn’t make any friends, and the stresses of the year were overwhelming.

I was still fat and frustrated and wishing I had made better food choices; I felt like I had let my body down after (cosmetic) surgery.

Right now at 38 and change?  Well, I’m going to be 40 in a little more than a year and I am not happy with my life.  I say I am happy with who I am (and in some ways I am) but I’m sad overall.  I haven’t really made friends here (my own fault), I’ve been single for over a decade.  I haven’t had sex in over a decade and I think it’s starting to get to me (you think?)!

I’ve had a rough few years here in Scotland; I’ve lost both my parents and a beloved pet.  I’ve lost weight, gained weight, had the never ending headache issue.  I’ve struggled with my thesis, with motivation, with getting out of bed.

The PhD has been one issue after another.  I’ve contemplated a break; taking a holiday or leaving flat out.  I am sticking with it right now, but there are days when I want to run away.

And with all of that, I have no idea how I am supposed to go about getting the life I want.  I know what I want for the future and where I want to be when I am done with my PhD.  I am just not sure I will be able to do and go where I want to (live in London and live a glamorous life).  I’ve accepted the fact that I will most likely be alone and will not have a family of my own.  Accepting that has been hard, but it is probably for the best.  I think that the amount of baggage I carry would be a major issue and in regards to having children, time has pretty much run out.  It’s time to accept this.

 

 

I honestly can’t fault myself for not sticking to my goals  in February.  It was a bit of a traumatic month to say the least.   I was glad I was mostly able to hold it together.

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So for February:
1. Keep running 3x/week.

According to Runkeeper, I managed 45.4km in February in 11 workouts.  Not great, but it could have been worse.

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2. Make a decision about the half.

Well, that was kind of made for me, as the half has been cancelled.  I may think about one in the fall, but right now, I honestly think I need to focus on my work, improving my current times (my 3k average is still the same after 9 months) and getting weight off to make it easier.

3. Recommit to tracking my calories.  I’ve been terrible about watching what I’ve been eating lately.

HA!

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4. Get my life organised.

HA!

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Yeah, February was a miss.

So for March:

1. Follow my 10k training plan.  Seriously (yes I already know I missed a “long” run yesterday b/c I felt horribly dizzy and nauseous).
2. Track my calories 5/7 days.
3. Get my presentation done early so I can practice it and review it.

Presentation, you ask?

I’m going to be presenting and attending a cyber bullying conference at Oxford University at the end of the month!  🙂

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I really hope March is better than the first 2 months have been.  Seriously.

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I’m finally getting a chance to sit down and get some blogging done.  I’ve been really busy the best week grading essays for the class I was a GTA in this past semester.  I’m also still pretty down after everything that happened last month.

So how did I do in January?  The very fact I was able to get out of bed at all, was a miracle.

1. 10k training:  I managed about 70% of my runs.  Not perfect, but better than nothing at all.

2. I have yet to make a decision on running a half yet.  I’m still on the fence.

3. Floor barre:  I made it to one class.  🙁  I feel bad since I had paid for it, but one week I had a horrid headache, one week an upset stomach, and then the last week I had a grading deadline.  Ugh.

4.  Whole 30 didn’t happen.  I was waaaaaaay too upset after what happened to care about what I was eating or not eating.  I know that people say there are no excuses about giving up when you are under stress or whatever, but you know what?  I was too upset/traumatised/depressed and couldn’t be bothered to have to think about not having coffee the way I like it.  Maybe at some point in the future I will give it a try, but right now I am not in the right headspace.  Also, I like my coffee with cream.

5. Chapter deadline: I made it, but it wasn’t pretty.  The chapter was shite and needs to be re-written.

February goals:

1. Keep running 3x/week.
2. Make a decision about the half.
3. Recommit to tracking my calories.  I’ve been terrible about watching what I’ve been eating lately.
4. Get my life organised.

. . .since I’ve posted.  I have been busy with writing (attempting to write my lit review rewatching all of 24) and doing some interviews for a project for my supervisor.  Up until this week I’d been running regularly too.  Of course last Sunday I was being a dork and I was jumping up and down and pulled a muscle in my calf.  I hadn’t been able to run until today.

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I’ve also finally decided on a new domain name for this blog that I am far happier with and that is totally me.  I just need to get a header made (anyone want to help a poor grad student out?) and get it all up and running before I start changing things over/around.