I’ve been off the grid, because I haven’t really had much to say.  Sorry for the total randomness/brain dump ahead.

To be honest, I happened to open up my blog login because I was curious.  Someone had been talking about blog stats and how they felt that their low volume was depressing.  Honey, you don’t know low volume.  I don’t even have 200 hits this entire *month.*  (I’ve even lost several Facebook followers too.  🙁   Not that I had that many, but when you have less than 30 the lower numbers are so much more obvious.)

While that may sound whiny and passive aggressive (and quite possibly the reason that I have less than 200 views this month) it does make me feel rather pathetic, especially for the length of time that I’ve been blogging.  However, not much I can do about this at the moment. I can’t really expect people to read here, if I am not posting here, and I haven’t had anything to say that wouldn’t have been the following:  *sob* *sob* I miss Molly.  *sob* ZOMG SHERLOCK.  That pretty much sums up the first half of this month.

As for the rest of it:

Running:  Not spectacular.  I missed another training run last week and haven’t run since Sunday.  I did get all my jantastic runs in, although 2 of them were super short.  The weather isn’t helping.  I don’t like to get wet/dirty and I’ve been to lazy to go to the gym.

Planned 10K at Eton in March: Probably isn’t going to happen.  I can’t justify the cost.  While the train fare is reasonable at the moment (if I were to book today), I just can’t afford the additional cost of a hotel + food for a 10K.  I can probably find one locally or just run by myself.  I am bummed out because I was looking forward to it, but I still have vet bills to pay so . . . .

Dissertation writing: Ugh.  I have 2000 words out of 8000.  I probably need to have this sent in in a weeks time.  I just feel like I have no idea what I am doing.  I am probably over thinking it.  I am having one of those very long moments where I am doubting my ability to do this.  FML.

Headache:  Worse than usual.  🙁

Whole 30: On hold.

Reading:  I’ve read 8 novels this month so far.

This can only mean one thing . . .

It’s clear I am depressed.  Even more so than usual.  The weather, no sunlight, grieving over Molly, stressing over finances, all are just bringing me down.  I’m on an anti-depressant (I’ve been on meds for half my life now) aren’t helping.  I do feel better when I run, so it is just getting out the door that is hard (and avoiding the never-ending rain).

If you’re wondering why I am not in therapy (as I often wonder myself), it seems that the services that I am eligible for here, don’t really seem to cover talk therapy (which is what I am most familiar with and comfortable with).  I did see someone a year ago, but it wasn’t helping as she wanted to focus solely on my anxiety issues and I really just wanted to talk about my mum.   I plan on looking into what else is available (perhaps at uni) or if I have to go private or something.  I don’t know.  I do know it is my choice, and the choices I was given were not things I felt comfortable with and processes I knew I would rally against.

At any rate, that’s where I am halfway through January.  I hope the rest of the month gets better.

 (I also need to do something about my blog name, since I haven’t been to spin in ages.  Should I change it?  Suggestions?  Thoughts?)

Yesterday was long run day.  Well, what will be long run day once I get a few more weeks into my training plan.  Had it not been so miserable out yesterday, I could have gone on longer, like last Sunday.  (Only without the getting lost bit.)

Yes, I got lost because at 38 I still can't read a map.

Yes, I got lost because at 38 I still can’t read a map.

However, I was running without having had any coffee, and the cold air wasn’t waking me up, and being in my own head space, well just was not good.  I had to stop several times to keep from losing it completely.   I tried to sing along with my running playlist (I think I need some new tunes) but all I could think about was Molly and how much I missed her and how angry I was at myself for not realising something was wrong sooner and not spending more time with her while I could.   Being in the flat right now, it’s so empty.  But being outside the flat doesn’t give me a reprieve from my thoughts either.  This is hard and it sucks.

I did finish my run (in some new kit that I got to try to cheer myself up [the hat I got isn’t on the website- I will have to take a picture when I wear it again]) and even got my first day of yoga in for the #21daysofyogachallenge.  Oh, and as this run was over the 5K distance, I finished the Virtual Runner race for the month.

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I think I’m getting faster? Still so damn slow though. 🙁

This week I have a few runs planned and also my first day of floor barre class.  I also need to get cracking on writing, (I *only* have 8K to write ha ha ha I’m screwed) but all I feel I can do is wallow in sadness.

*sigh*

Today was the second hardest day of my life.  Today I had to make the choice to let Molly go.

Right before Christmas, she ate some string and became ill.  She had surgery to remove it on the 23rd.  We were worried about her all through Christmas, but on Boxing day she started eating again.  She became more mobile and began acting like her normal self.

Her belly was still tender, but no one was overly worried and we were just to keep an extra eye  on her and make sure she was comfortable and fed and watered and so on.

Yesterday when I got up to give her her medicine, I found she was leaking from her incisions.  We took her to the emergency vet where (after paying a ridiculous fee) she was given painkillers and antibiotics for her pain and fever.  We were told best case scenario it was a skin infection and with antibiotics she would be ok.  Worst case scenario would be peritonitis and at that point we would need to decide if a second surgery would be in her best interests as it would carry significant risks.

This morning we took her to the vet and after some tests it was found she did have peritonitis.

This afternoon at approximately 2pm, my darling girl left this world.  Steph and I are heartbroken.  She was so young and lovely and I miss her and will miss her terribly.  I wish I could have done more for her and had the financial resources so I could have given her a better chance.

She was the best girl. 🙁

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Now that the craziness of post season baseball is behind me (I miss baseball!  How many days until P&C?) I have been trying to get organised and on a schedule.  Every night when I go to bed, I tell myself I am going to get up at a reasonable hour (read: before 11 am), go run or go to the gym, come back and get. things. done.  There have been 5 mornings I have tried to do this, and the only day that I got up early was on Saturday because I had to teach a workshop.

Today I managed to get up before 11 (at 10:45 so doesn’t really count) and so far have showered, gone to Boots and Tesco, hoovered the flat, done dishes, and started a load of laundry.  While productive, none of these things are my workout or my actual WORK.  (Debating what I am going to do for a workout today as it is cold (like 35 F/2 C and raining) so if it is not pouring at 5ish I might go to the gym, or I might just put on a workout DVD because lazy. I don’t have warm/dry enough running layers to run today.  Must get on that.)

Obviously, the most obvious way to handle this is to set an alarm.  However, that being said, it may work for some people, but unless I need to actually BE somewhere, I end up just curling back up with Molly and going back to sleep.  Or if I do get up, I find that getting up with an alarm really, really triggers my anxiety.  I used to wonder when I worked full time why I needed anti-anxiety medication EVERY morning.  Getting up and getting going like that somehow really made me very anxious.  And sadly, I don’t have the luxury of having anxiety medication I can take on a daily basis; it’s rationed now at best- but that is another story.

So my goals for the next 2 weeks are to attempt to

  • Get up at a reasonable hour.
  • Workout first.
  • Get 5 hours of work done a day minimum.
  • Cry self to sleep.

Should be totally achievable, right?

Anyone have any suggestions on getting on a schedule?  I know I keep harping on this, but one of these days I may just get it!

So many people have done day in the life posts, that I thought I’d do another one.

3am.  Bed.  I need to stop reading so late.

5:30am- Woken up by Molly to be fed.  Feed Molly.  Pass back out.

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11am- Wake up. Make a coffee, turn on computer.  Check emails, texts, FB, Twitter, Feedly reader.  Find that a package is coming between 2:46-3:46pm which screws up my afternoon.  Oh well.  Respond to some emails, etc.

12pm- Ask Steph to make me breakfast.  Get birthday card in the mail from BFF.  🙂

12:15pm- Eat breakfast and drink second cup of coffee.  Order a window cleaner.  Oh the glamorous life I lead.

12:30pm- Get dressed in running clothes.  I need to run once my package is delivered.

12:45pm-Make a Nuun drink, set up my desk for today, start this post.

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Start reading and note taking for the day.

1:30pm- Decide to go run since it isn’t raining and the sun is sort of out.  Steph doesn’t mind waiting for the delivery, in case it comes early.

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2:15pm-Return home, stretch, shower, get dressed, eat Greek yogurt, feed Molly

3:15pm-Delivery arrives, including my birthday present from Steph- a memory foam mattress pad. (I have a terrible mattress.)  Get ready to go to the library with Steph.

4:15pm- Arrive at the library via Starbucks.  Read and write!

6:30pm- Take a break and watch last night’s SVU.

7:20pm-Back to work, where working is me reading the Internet. #fail  I did partially stop b/c the lights in the library were aggravating my head.  (for some reason the uni lights always make my head hurt more, which is part of the reason I don’t go into my office as much.)

8pm- Head home for dinner and to watch House.  (Sky Atlantic is showing the whole show in its entirety and they are on season 2; my favourite! “Bros before ho’s!”)  I actually DVR’d it so that I could go to the library and not miss where I was in the rewatch.  I’m such a dork, but the rewatch is making me realise how much I love the show and I am falling in love with it all over again.

10pm- Wash dishes, get cleaned up, get ready for bed (which means I get into bed to read.)  This is my favourite time of day.  Quiet music, a good book, maybe some tea.  Sometimes I get a Molly to snuggle.

midnight- Get a text from my niece and end up Facetiming with her for a bit.  I also talked to my dad (He looks good! He will outlive us all!), youngest niece, and sister.  I saw one of their new cats (looks like an older Molly) and got to see my nieces being goofy!

Realise Molly hasn’t been fed and ask Steph to do it since I’m chatting.

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Molly in her “cave” made out of the box my mattress topper came in.

1am- Finish the last 50 pages of the novel I was reading

2am- Bedtime! 🙂  Lay awake for a while unable to sleep.  Finally fall asleep around 3.

So, all in all a typical day.  I got all the reading I had planned done (YAY!) and didn’t spend unnecessary money (DOUBLE YAY!)  Other days of the week are not so flexible; for example Monday, where I spend most of my day on campus, in my office, and then teach.  I should do a busy day for comparison to see how that kind of day looks.  🙂