I’m always caught between my thesis, writing for pleasure, social media, and writing a blog entry.  Guess what comes last consistently?

So, April.  Let’s see.  I’ve been running 3 times a week and I’ve started going to Pilates again.  I even signed up for a reformer class and that has been going well.

Even more out of character, I joined a run club and I PRed my 5k.

I’m still not sure it’s right for me, to be honest.  I am, by far, the slowest.  I don’t like to be the worst or last at something; probably a character flaw.  I am glad that I tried, and even more that I waited until now to do so.  If I had tried a year and a half ago when I had originally considered it, I probably would have never run again.

This has nothing to do with the club or the people, as they have all been very nice and welcoming.  I just feel very insecure and uncomfortable when I’m so noticeably different.

I didn’t go last week because it was freezing and rain/snowing and I had just gotten my hair done (I know, vanity).  Hopefully this week will be more favourable as I really dislike running in the rain.  I have texture issues and wet socks really squick me out.  Maybe someday I’ll get past that.

I’ve signed up for the Women’s 10K in June and am ready for it!

In thesis news, it’s actually going well, a far cry from where I was a year ago!  My supervisors are pleased, I’m pleased.  I’m getting the support I need.  All I need to do is to stop procrastinating!

I’ve planned out my 41st birthday.  I wasn’t sure anything could top my 40th, but it looks like this birthday is going to be close.  #adorablehusbands #internetBFFs #London #theatre

And last, but most certainly not least, this happened.  It certainly was a great way to end April!

2016-04-30 20.48.41

 

Ahead for May?  Having the first full draft of my thesis completed (Eeeeek!), attending my first Barre class, and hopefully finding something fun or adventurous to do.

 

Two weeks ago I had a chance to attend a book signing/talk that should have inspired me to be a better me.  Instead I left needing time to reflect.  And now, after a few days I feel lower than usual.   I feel at nearly 40, I’m an absolute failure.

 

When I was 16 and working at Filene’s Basement, I worked with a few women who were in their early 20’s and I thought they were so glamorous and lived such exciting lives.  I couldn’t wait to be 21.

When I was 21 I was still an undergrad.  I was still trying to figure out my life.  I certainly wasn’t going out to clubs and bars and having a good time.  I was completely screwed up emotionally.

I wanted more; I wanted stability and love and marriage.  I figured by the time I was 25 I’d have it all wrapped up.

When I was 25 I was dating (someone I now refer to as) “the one who got away.”  I thought he was the one.  I thought we were going to be together.  We had been living together (until he asked me to move out) and I hoped we could reconcile and make it work out.  I wanted to be engaged and married and start a family; we already had 2 cats together.  I figured by the time I was 30, I would have it all figured out.  I’d have a a husband and a career and kids.  I’d have amazing mom friends and a perfect house.

By the time I was 30, I was an absolute mess.  I had ended the relationship with the one who got away and dated and got engaged to someone else.  I spent 4 years trying to fix him, to make him the man I thought he could be.  I was an idiot.  You can’t fix hate that’s been learned (at least I couldn’t do it).

I had gained back all the weight I worked hard to lose.  I was fat (again) and hated myself (still).

I was single, living in my childhood bedroom in my parents house with my cat.  I was single, miserable, and on the verge of bankruptcy.  I didn’t have many friends.  And despite having earned my first Masters degree the year before, I had a crummy job and could hardly support myself.  I figured by the time I was 35, I would have to have it figured out.

By the time I was 35, my life had taken a major turn.  I moved to Scotland to pursue my second Masters degree since I still had been unable to find a full time teaching job.  It was an amazing decision and I don’t regret it, but I was lonely.  I didn’t make any friends, and the stresses of the year were overwhelming.

I was still fat and frustrated and wishing I had made better food choices; I felt like I had let my body down after (cosmetic) surgery.

Right now at 38 and change?  Well, I’m going to be 40 in a little more than a year and I am not happy with my life.  I say I am happy with who I am (and in some ways I am) but I’m sad overall.  I haven’t really made friends here (my own fault), I’ve been single for over a decade.  I haven’t had sex in over a decade and I think it’s starting to get to me (you think?)!

I’ve had a rough few years here in Scotland; I’ve lost both my parents and a beloved pet.  I’ve lost weight, gained weight, had the never ending headache issue.  I’ve struggled with my thesis, with motivation, with getting out of bed.

The PhD has been one issue after another.  I’ve contemplated a break; taking a holiday or leaving flat out.  I am sticking with it right now, but there are days when I want to run away.

And with all of that, I have no idea how I am supposed to go about getting the life I want.  I know what I want for the future and where I want to be when I am done with my PhD.  I am just not sure I will be able to do and go where I want to (live in London and live a glamorous life).  I’ve accepted the fact that I will most likely be alone and will not have a family of my own.  Accepting that has been hard, but it is probably for the best.  I think that the amount of baggage I carry would be a major issue and in regards to having children, time has pretty much run out.  It’s time to accept this.

 

 

I’m finally getting a chance to sit down and get some blogging done.  I’ve been really busy the best week grading essays for the class I was a GTA in this past semester.  I’m also still pretty down after everything that happened last month.

So how did I do in January?  The very fact I was able to get out of bed at all, was a miracle.

1. 10k training:  I managed about 70% of my runs.  Not perfect, but better than nothing at all.

2. I have yet to make a decision on running a half yet.  I’m still on the fence.

3. Floor barre:  I made it to one class.  🙁  I feel bad since I had paid for it, but one week I had a horrid headache, one week an upset stomach, and then the last week I had a grading deadline.  Ugh.

4.  Whole 30 didn’t happen.  I was waaaaaaay too upset after what happened to care about what I was eating or not eating.  I know that people say there are no excuses about giving up when you are under stress or whatever, but you know what?  I was too upset/traumatised/depressed and couldn’t be bothered to have to think about not having coffee the way I like it.  Maybe at some point in the future I will give it a try, but right now I am not in the right headspace.  Also, I like my coffee with cream.

5. Chapter deadline: I made it, but it wasn’t pretty.  The chapter was shite and needs to be re-written.

February goals:

1. Keep running 3x/week.
2. Make a decision about the half.
3. Recommit to tracking my calories.  I’ve been terrible about watching what I’ve been eating lately.
4. Get my life organised.

. . .since I’ve posted.  I have been busy with writing (attempting to write my lit review rewatching all of 24) and doing some interviews for a project for my supervisor.  Up until this week I’d been running regularly too.  Of course last Sunday I was being a dork and I was jumping up and down and pulled a muscle in my calf.  I hadn’t been able to run until today.

photo (2)

I’ve also finally decided on a new domain name for this blog that I am far happier with and that is totally me.  I just need to get a header made (anyone want to help a poor grad student out?) and get it all up and running before I start changing things over/around.

Last week was a crazy week.  I didn’t think it was appropriate (or necessary) for that matter to give an account of how I’ve been doing on “Paleo.”

There was so much more going on in the world that I needed to think about than how many grams of protein I was getting per day.  As a result of everything (and I am not saying it was an excuse) I didn’t track every day.  My workouts were light (also due to the fact that the physio wanted me to work on working on my knee rather than lifting weights or spinning for a little bit).  I ate things that were definitely not Paleo.  (Hello ice cream on a “warm to Scotland” day.)

And you know what, I’m ok with it.  (The scale was ok with it too.)  I was on plan 80% of the time.  All of my meals were “Paleo.”  I didn’t eat extra thousands of calories.  If I ate something off plan, I made sure the rest of the day accounted for that.  I was mindful.  I didn’t berate myself for having an ice cream on a nice day, like I used to.  While food is fuel, I honestly don’t think there is any harm in an ice cream on a nice day.

That being said, I hope to stay on plan for the remainder of the month and up until I attend Write this Run (and hopefully while I am there.)  Although I won’t beat myself up if I happen to find myself outside the lovely Gelateria in Soho that I LOVE.  🙂

I will just make sure I walk there and enjoy the view.  🙂

 

What’s your favourite flavour of ice cream?